(Backup) Reflections because my baby turns 5 when I wake up

Clair has been so very excited about this birthday. She just cannot wait to turn 5. It is a big deal to her. She’s been counting down the number of days for months, literally at least since it was 38 days away and I think many more. 

I have been telling her I wasn’t going to let her turn five. She was going to do four again so she could stay home with me and give me snuggles and keep me company all day. She was always very good natured about this joke. I think he consistently came up with a new good valid reason why that wouldn’t work but she would give me more snuggles everyday anyway. 

The running statement has been, “Mommy is X days you are going to have a five year old running around the house!”

Tonight when I put her to bed we took a few minutes to rock. My babies are growing and I don’t get the pleasure of rocking them to bed, cuddling and sniffing their clean heads as they lay against my chest each night anymore. During those years I knew i would miss it, yet there were nights I was so rushed I couldn’t stop to enjoy it. Today another milestone of my life and my parenting journey passes. When we wake up we will have a big kid on our hands. I know it’s just another day. But as I see almost 11 years of parenting as a lifetime journey of exhaustion, love and business continuing to fly by, I just wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the feeling of loss during another amazingly full and busy day. 

Clair had her big party today at Pump it up. She loves it. It was everything she wanted it to be. She had it planned. She loved every minute. She was a perfect little host. She really took it all in! I’m so greatful for those friends and family who were there for her today. 

After she went to bed I set out to decorate the house for her all day party on her real birthday. I hope it meets her expectations. I was at it for about an hour. Presents are under the tree. The children are all asleep. My work project that was late is now in my bosses email in box. I will lay down exhausted and try to remember each of my babies when I could rock them to sleep and let them snuggle in on my chest while they slept. Those days, those cuddles, they were my life goals. I love watching them grow. I do. I just miss those lovely baby snuggles. From the day Ellie was born I have not been able to snuggle another baby they way I did mine. It just felt different. I must have held 100s of babies growing up. I loved babysitting and helping others with their children. But something changed the day Ellie was born and I have never looked back. It’s like I was born again, differently, a mother. It is the best job I have and will ever have.