Reflections from a quiet house

Yesterday morning we dropped Ellie, Max and Clair off at Gramma's for a sleepover. David and I met up with Rachelle and Donnie to enjoy some Maryland wineries. We proceeded to enjoy a nice relaxing evening locally. The kids were so excited for their sleepover and seemed to have a great time when I spoke with them. We were happy for the quiet time and the day out.

By bedtime though, I really missed them in this big quiet house. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. Before I went to bed, I really missed kissing their little faces. David admitted missing them too. This big house is too quiet without them.

The morning was more shock of a quiet house. No one came in to tell me what time it was (Max) or called me from their bed claiming they needed Mommy or they needed to go potty (Clair.) It was strange as I pulled myself up and wondered downstairs still in my PJs and turned on the Today Show for the first time in I'm not sure how long.

I enjoyed getting to focus on making myself a nice healthy breakfast. When I sat down to eat it at the table alone, I realized how much the chaos of the busy breakfast has become my norm. Of course it is nice to focus on myself for a day, but I am so grateful for the many years ahead of me where they will sit and eat with me. They will laugh, giggle, fight, make messes, and tell me how much they love me all in one big noisy morning routine.

I cleaned the kitchen and have generally felt an overwhelming amount of free time on my hands for a Monday morning at this point. I'm looking forward to the returning chaos later this morning. I'm sure they enjoyed their time with Gramma. I'm glad that they had it. I love that they spend time with my Mom. I appreciate that missing them allows me to appreciate them even more.

This afternoon we will attempt to appreciate the eclipse without the viewing glasses. I didn't manage to pay attention to this all soon enough to purchase the proper viewing glasses. David made viewing boxes with the kids this weekend. We will use them and watch the NASA video. Stumbling through their childhood, I hope they can appreciate the ups and downs of the success and failures we have had as parents raising them. I guess it's not failures, but sometimes we get it righter then others. Always, they are loved and appreciated. Looking forward to having them back tonight and tomorrow morning for many years of chaos to come!

Clair Vonita completes 3 year old preschool

Last week Clair completed her school. She loves school and would like to go every day. She was quite sick early in the week with Strep Throat; we were lucky to get her well enough to make the last day of school. She was glad to see her friends and Miss Melissa. She really loved Miss Melissa this year and I think Miss Melissa really appreciated the uniqueness's of Clair. My girl is a whirlwind. She has ideas and thoughts that are pretty advanced for her age and for some this would be too much. She's not really a conformist. She is going to do what she wants and stretch others to find a way to play too. She loves to play pretend and Miss Melissa says her stories are so elaborate for her age. I surely agree.

Her year end report card showed she has mastered all the skills. In pre-k I want her to work on being able to play with the other kids and have a good friend. She is more interested in her games and her ways then blending in with the other kids. I'm glad she's a girl who knows what she wants. I know that by the time she gets to PreK she is going to be so ready. She can read a few works and do basic math already. She writes very well and can draw elaborate people. She amazes me for a just turned 4 year old.

This summer I have a feeling we will master a bike without training wheels and swimming. She keeps growing, but still likes her Mommy to start the day snuggling her. I wonder how long that will go on. Yesterday morning she says, "I can't start my day without snuggles from Mommy." She knows all the right things to say to get what she wants. That is for sure!

A relaxing Birthday for Mommy

The kids seemed to really appreciate and enjoy celebrating their Mommy right now. They love being helpful and making me art projects, not to mention having a good reason for a few extra treats. My birthday felt like a continuation of Mother's Day.

Ellie was up early. She visited me while I was trying to wake and told me to stay in bed and rest, she would get Clair and Max up for breakfast. I did take her up on that for about 10 minutes, but it was a school day. The two girls worked well together. I only had to intervene when I was listening to them talk about bringing me breakfast in bed. That was sweat, but we didn't have time for that to happen and get them to school on time.

I had the day off work. I spent extra time snuggling Clair and reading to her in the morning. After that I had a chance to exercise to start the day off right. I then spent my mid day with my Mom. We got pedicures, had lunch, went to Starbucks and ran a few errands. I ended the afternoon with a nice massage before heading home for an evening dinner out at the local, followed by gifts and my cookie cake that I had enjoyed making myself.

The day was very relaxing. The weather was gorgeous. The kids enjoyed celebrating with me. I am a lucky 41 year old Mommy of three.You never know where life will take you when you are older. I'm glad for what I have right now.

Growing and growing, it's good, I know

Clair turns 4 in a month and a half, she comfortably wears size 5/6 clothes at this point. That size is really not little girl clothes anymore. She is starting to get into big girl stuff. I find myself having to retire favorites that have been a part of the clothes rotation between Ellie and Clair, and even Max sometimes for 5 years.

This morning I dressed Clair in these little brown corduroy pants that I knew were too small, but they have been so cute on her for about 2 years. She complained, "These are the ones that make my underwear push into my bottom Mommy."  Okay, darling, I guess it really is time they go into the donate box, and on they go. She is comfortable, and I tuck those cute little pants into a box in the closet, a very big and full box of things that show the baby stage and toddler stage of my life and my children's life is really something of the past.

I have 3 big kids. I have one who borderlines a teenager sometimes. Max, he's happy being a little boy still, and also has his preferences for clothes. And the baby, she's really not much of a baby anymore.

This morning Facebook showed me a picture of Max's Baptism Day 6 years ago. He was such a handsome little fellow, and he still looks the same today. They are growing, as they should. I love them so much. I do know I will long for the days they were little cuddly babies in my arms, where we snuggled with blankies, bottles, pacifiers and books. That was the stage I always wanted growing up. I sure did enjoy it. It's sad admitting they are in the past. But, I wouldn't want it any other way. I am grateful for the journey being their Mom!

Taking Mommy too seriously

I've been a bit slack on the return of approval to participate in this year's valentines day party. My delay was merely limited by getting a hold of the 6 one dollar bills needed to pay their way. None the less, as the kids started to pressure me about this, I decided to joke with them that I wasn't going to approve their participation this year.  I thought of course they knew I was joking, as there's no reason not to participate. Apparently, however, Max thought I was serious. He asked his teacher what happens if my Mommy won't approve me participating. He came home from school all upset that he would have to spend the time sitting in the office. He was distraught.

Poor boy, I need to joke with them more often. This is my mommy lesson learned!

Onward Christian Soldier Harry Russel Mayer

Tonight I lifted Clair into the bathtub and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I’ll never talk to my Grandpa again; I can’t go visit him anymore; He is gone.

Today was his funeral. For the months and even years since my Grandmother died, I know he hasn’t been all that happy here on earth. He told many people this over the past few months he wanted to “Go Home.”  The past couple weeks when I heard that he was nearing the end, I was never really able to feel what was happening, especially with everyone around and all the activities to keep me busy. I thought I had accepted this in a strange somewhat unemotional way, which is often how I process things.

At Grandpa’s funeral 7 people got up to share their stories about Grandpa with everyone. Reverend Larson ended up stopping the sharing time because it just kept going on, but then he, himself, gave a great testament to Grandpa’s service to the church and the community. I have never been to a funeral where so many people wanted to share, and share they did. It was really amazing to hear the stories and be reminded of the man that Grandpa was. He lived life to the fullest. My favorite line that Reverend Larson said many times was that Grandpa has so many friends because he was first a friend to so many. That is such a true statement. I love how this sharing was able to remind me of the man that my Grandpa was.

I was reminded of the pride he took in painting when Mom told the store of the day that he came home from work upset because his boss wanted him to start using a roller instead of doing everything with a paint brush. He was neat and tidy and took such pride in his work. This treat is so out the door these days.

I was reminded that he is part of a generation that has mostly left this earth, the WWII veterans. He jumped out of a plane with his company in Belgium and France to help free them from the Nazi’s. He survived such horrific time and saw such horrific things, but you would never know this by the grateful, fun loving, gentle, caring man that he was everyday of the rest of his life after that experience.

I was reminded that when I was a kid and would spend the night at his house, after my bath, he would always want to brush my hair for me while we watched TV. He told me that you must brush 100 strokes a day to keep golden beautiful hair and he would do all 100 of them if I let him.

I was reminded of the honorable policeman that he was and how the word ‘cop’ was not allowed in our house or his. Policeman are honorable. Then I found out that one of my Mom’s cousins became a policemen because grandpa inspired him. I had no idea. Steve said that Grandpa gave him two good pieces of advice, “Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.” In twenty years of police service he was promoted many times and got accommodations a couple years. He was someone everyone respected. I know my Grandfather was an honorable man in everything he did.

I was reminded of the beautiful blessing that I have had being part of a family where two brothers married two sisters as Joan so eloquently states it. My family was so large because these two immediate families’ kept our extended family connected better than most for most of my childhood. My mom must have over 20 cousins and they are all wonderful. I’m embarrassed to admit that I can’t place faces and names with all of them, especially as I age. However, I recognize their faces, their kindness, the years of family picnics, softball games and good times. I am thankful for each one who was there today to support the family, to honor Grandpa, and to share their stories and friendly smiles.

I loved the stories my cousin Tim told about Grandpa. I hadn’t heard some of them before. Grandpa took care to give to each of us what we needed and help us along. Grandpa was a special mentor to Tim and I respect their bond tremendously.

I was reminded of how much my grandfather would sacrifice for anyone, and especially his family by the story of how he dropped out of school in 7^th grade so that he could take a job and provide for his family, with the special expectation that it meant that Uncle Stanley, his younger brother, could finish high school and get a full complete education. And they made this happen!

I was reminded of the Thanksgivings and Christmas celebrations at Grandma and Grandpa and Vonita and Stanley’s, of my cousins and the memories we shared. I’ve been horrible at keeping up with them, but I love them so much. I cherish these memories. They ring out like yesterday. I never felt more special as a child then when we went to one of these large celebrations. I thought every family sat down to holidays with 20-30 people for a nice big lovely home cooked meal. It wasn’t until High School when I realized not everyone was so lucky. What a blessing!

I was reminded of the importance of a servant’s heart. God wants us to serve one another and Grandpa took that to heart. Grandpa willingly always helped. I see where my Mom gets this from; I am not so good at this; and I greatly respect those who serve others so selflessly. There was always time to lend a hand; yet I’m not sure how he managed. His life was full, busy, filled, and lived!

Reverend Larson said that Grandpa poked holes in the darkness with light in the way that he gave back. This servant’s heart, this love of God, Country and Family, it’s passing by the wayside with our younger generations in many ways. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish my kids could know him and my elders better. I wish I was a better story teller. Hazel, she’s the great story teller. That’s another lost art for the current generations who tell stories in 144 characters or less, but perhaps I am digressing….

I was a paul bearer today for my Grandfather’s coffin. I was happy to do whatever Mom wanted to help out. I was surprised that I wanted to tear up doing this. When we put him into the hearse, Clair came over very upset. She wanted to know why I put Great Grandpa in a box and sent him away with “Those Men.” She wanted to see him again before they pulled away. I tried to help her understand that was his earthy body and his sole was rejoicing in Heaven. She is too young to understand this. She is still worried for Great Grandpa and for herself. She NEVER wants to be put in a box. I finally told her she didn’t have to be.

My kids have seen a lot of death in their short lives. I hope that’s because they have been honored to know their great generation in ways that many haven’t. It is sad to know my kids will never know these amazing people whom I loved to spend time with growing up. I was always ready to jump at the chance to go home with Grandpa and spend the night with him and Grandma. I remember many dinners with them, ice cream by the fire before bed, playing games, watching TV, doing project, Saturday morning shopping trips to A and P, and so much more. I remember walks after dinner around the circle, where inevitably we would need to stop to chat with someone to say hello to Grandpa.  I remember my Grandma, as the young Grandma who was active, who played games, cooked, ran to the corner to “run home with me” when we left their house, who loved me so. I was reminded of the amazing garden they kept. It was honestly huge. No one will ever garden like they did. I am reminded of Grandma’s pickles which died with her disease. I will never taste them again. I am reminded that Grandpa fostered my earlies interest in photography, with his instant camera. Boy, I loved when he would let me take a picture with that camera! It was amazing!

If I can be half the person my Grandpa was, I’ll be doing okay. He was an amazing person. He blessed so many. It was evident by the attendance today and the people who visited him in his final days.

I am grateful for each sole who reminded me of his amazing sole, of his purpose, of God’s purpose, of what it means to serve, to love, and to live life God’s way! I will try to tell my children more stories about my childhood. I will try to write some down too. I am better at writing them then telling them.

I read Isaiah 61:1-3 today. I’ve never focused on this verse today. It was one Grandpa picked out. As I read it, I was reminded of a conversation with him a few years ago when both Grandma and Vonita were suffering their end of life from terrible diseases. I passed Grandpa in the hall of Fairhaven as I had run quickly to say hello to Grandma while Vonita and the ladies had Max, a two month old baby, at their apartment for some cuddles. I said something to Grandpa about how it just wasn’t fair seeing them both suffering like this. He grabbed my arms and shoulders strongly and stopped me and said, “God is Good Julie. Look at our family. We are blessed.” In that moment, I was so proud of him and his faith. I now take comfort in this verse in a new way and am glad to have had the chance to read it at his funeral service.

I didn’t get a chance to sit back and reflect today. Instead, I focused on the children not being loud or acting up. I focused on worrying about how Mom was doing. I focused on what others were doing. I didn’t have the chance to get upset and be emotional. I choose to celebrate. I loved the songs he choose, the music that was played, and the company that he kept. The closing hymn has been in my head all day and I want to live by it more – Onward Christian Soldiers!

I love my Grandpa very much. I love my Grandma very much. I will see them one day in Heaven and I will look forward to that. Until that day, I will know he is at peace. It was awesome to hear Reverend Larson say that he can’t always for certain say where someone has gone when they die, but he knows for sure that God welcomed Grandpa “Home” with open arms. Grandpa’s faith never wavered. Grandpa loved the Lord; Grandpa served the Lord; Grandpa loved his friends! Grandpa loved his family!

A little piece of childhood gone

Today, for the first time, Max and Ellie and Clair are all in their own rooms. I wanted them to have the room space, but I also know that the closeness that Max and Ellie had will be gone or dwindling. They were caught giggling together morning and night often. That will be no more, now that they have their own spaces. 

They both approaches this milestone with cautious excitement. They both handled bedtime like pros! And they both fell asleep very reasonably. It will be interesting to see what they have to say in the morning and how that goes. 

I hope to still find them giggling together, playing and scheming. I hope they invite each other in close for fun times. 

Max is especially excited to have toys in his own room, his own space, privacy he said to me. 

Ellie is excited to be able to read in her bed at night. But she also wants more lights in her bedroom. Max got the big nightlight. 

I love them both. Watching them grow is exciting, and yet, I will also mourn the departure from babyhood. 

Proud Mama

Today I was fussing at Ellie as I cleaned out her backpack from end of first grade. I could believe the mess. I wasn't very understanding about the sentimental value of it all to her. 

I dug deeper, trashed a lot, and washed it out. Later I was looking through the pile and found the below present for her teacher. 

I'm so proud of Ellie. The kind thoughtful words of her teacher speak volumes to who she is. 

Tonight I told her that she was a fantastic daughter and that I am sorry I don't say that enough. She was so happy. The joy on her face was clear. 

God please grant me the peace and consciousness to remind my children daily how proud I am of who they are today and how much I believe in who they will be tomorrow. 

I love you Ellie Grey!

A trip to Scotland - David and Ellie

Due to Margaret's illness we decided that David and Ellie should make a trip to Scotland to visit her. It was a hard, last-minute decision, especially as the timing came at the start of the school year. But we decided it was the best thing to do. 

They left on Wednesday and are gone for five days. I am looking forward to the return tomorrow. I was very nervous about being apart from LA, and Ellie was very nervous about being apart from me. Our goodbye at the airport was quite teary, much to my attempt not to let it get that way. I failed.

They arrived safely after some minor fighting with the airlines to assure Ellie and David could actually sit beside each other. I have talk to them each day on face time. FaceTime is a wonderful thing. Being able to see Ellie and see how she's doing has been helpful to me, and I believe to her as well.

She has really enjoyed the time with granny, Miller, grandpa, and all the Scottish cousins she has met. She got to see Great Nana twice. I think she appreciated getting to see her. At the first visit she actually did a little ballet for her to twinkle twinkle.

I held down the fort at home with Max and Claire. It wasn't easy at first, as I was recovering from strep throat. But for the last few days we've hit a nice rhythm and I have gotten to enjoy the simplicity of the two of them. It's hard with three very different ages to feel that you share yourself appropriately with your kids. When it's down to two, it is much easier.

Max has been my big boy and little buddy. He has slept most nights in the bed with me at his request of course. He feels quite special getting to do that. 

Our family handled being separated across the Atlantic pretty well. 

Here are a few pictures from Ellie and David's trip. I don't really have the stories to go with them. I guess this is a start of many times in her life I won't know what she's been up to as she grows more independent. 

Vacation confession

The family vacation is the holy grail of memories and bonding, except why does it feel so damn challenging all the time. Honestly, I don't know why it has to be so hard. Perhaps it's me. I hate the sound of a tired baby. This means I'm counting minutes until naptime, in a hotel, that is noises, whilst missing seeing the older ones who actually can play at the beach enjoy it. 

I remember the days of getting my toes in the sand before ever getting to my destination. What happened to me?

Right now I'm sitting on a nasty sofa bed in an ugly hotel in the dark trying not to breath too hard and praying if I keeping starring at my phone Clair will doze off and catch a few zzzzs. It ain't gonna happen though. So it's just a matter of how long I want to sit here in the dark pretending before picking her up, going out into the hotel world and wrestling my one year old baby alligator through a meal that will no doubt be non nutritional, over priced, fried yuck whilst telling myself at least I fed them. All this followed by a parade if more sandy, wet, tired children needing baths and bed. Followed by a fantasy of enjoying a glass of wine on the balcony with my husband but instead being more toeture whilst I attempt again to put the kids to bed in this place and fail miserably. Ugg

Day 1 vacation has not been a vacation. Instead a disappointment. Too much build up for something so damn stressful. 

Confession of reality feels great. Now, can I possibly look up. We shall see.