To my children, I don't mean to be a part time Mom

Dear Ellie, Max and Clair,

Today we spent another day together where I tried to do my job as an employee and at the same time I tried to do my job as a Mommy. On these days, I fail at both. I hate failing. I prefer perfection. (You probably know this about me by the time you ever read this little set of memories.)

You guys deserved my all and I am sorry that I can not give it to you every day, every minute, all year long. I hope that when you grow and look back at your childhood that you never once question you are my world and even when I had to prioritize my job over what you wanted, I tried my best to still be the best Mom I could be.

Working is something I would give up if I could, but I can not while giving you all the things in life that I want to give you. Perhaps that is a bad choice; I will never know. But none the less, I wanted to be the best at both Mom and employee, because I do believe in always doing ones best. I hope that you will always do your best and forgive yourself when you fail to meet the standards you set for yourselves.

At times, I had to ask you each to leave my office and let me do my work. At times, I had to say No to something fun you asked me to do with you. At times, I had to ignore your giggles. At times, I had to write an email or have a phone call instead of talking to you or appreciating your latest artwork. At times, I didn't pay all the attention that I imagined that I would as a mother. I am sorry for this. I was not perfect. I do hope that you still know I love you, every day, always. I do hope that you know I love your giggles. I love your artwork. I love when you want to play with me. I love you more then my phone, my computer and my job. But I have to find a balance. Life is about balance. I hope that I am able to teach you about balance and model what a good balance could look like.

My job is stressful and sometimes you bare the brunt of the fact that all my patience were used up at work, being politically correct and solving tough problems. (This happens more then you sometimes.) I am sorry you didn't get all the patience you deserved. I am sorry that I wasn't able to be the perfect Mommy. And know this, I will love you the most, always, forever, even when you are grown.

During the last days of my life, I pray I can remember your cute little selves interrupting me at work, giggling, trying to use my exercise equipment, showing me your artwork, and coming in to see what I'm doing. You are my kiddos! You are my heart!