To my children, I don't mean to be a part time Mom

Dear Ellie, Max and Clair,

Today we spent another day together where I tried to do my job as an employee and at the same time I tried to do my job as a Mommy. On these days, I fail at both. I hate failing. I prefer perfection. (You probably know this about me by the time you ever read this little set of memories.)

You guys deserved my all and I am sorry that I can not give it to you every day, every minute, all year long. I hope that when you grow and look back at your childhood that you never once question you are my world and even when I had to prioritize my job over what you wanted, I tried my best to still be the best Mom I could be.

Working is something I would give up if I could, but I can not while giving you all the things in life that I want to give you. Perhaps that is a bad choice; I will never know. But none the less, I wanted to be the best at both Mom and employee, because I do believe in always doing ones best. I hope that you will always do your best and forgive yourself when you fail to meet the standards you set for yourselves.

At times, I had to ask you each to leave my office and let me do my work. At times, I had to say No to something fun you asked me to do with you. At times, I had to ignore your giggles. At times, I had to write an email or have a phone call instead of talking to you or appreciating your latest artwork. At times, I didn't pay all the attention that I imagined that I would as a mother. I am sorry for this. I was not perfect. I do hope that you still know I love you, every day, always. I do hope that you know I love your giggles. I love your artwork. I love when you want to play with me. I love you more then my phone, my computer and my job. But I have to find a balance. Life is about balance. I hope that I am able to teach you about balance and model what a good balance could look like.

My job is stressful and sometimes you bare the brunt of the fact that all my patience were used up at work, being politically correct and solving tough problems. (This happens more then you sometimes.) I am sorry you didn't get all the patience you deserved. I am sorry that I wasn't able to be the perfect Mommy. And know this, I will love you the most, always, forever, even when you are grown.

During the last days of my life, I pray I can remember your cute little selves interrupting me at work, giggling, trying to use my exercise equipment, showing me your artwork, and coming in to see what I'm doing. You are my kiddos! You are my heart!

Another softball season

Three years ago I embarked on a journey with Ellie that I could not have ever imagined. She signed up for softball with Erika, at the urging of Katie. And in that, I became an assistant coach. I wasn't a stellar athlete, but I do love sports. Teaching young kids to do anything is hard for me. I'm not a patient women, but the girls have taught me a lot over the years. I have also learned a great deal from a couple coaches along the way as well. To be a good coach, is sort of like being a good manager, you don't have to be awesome at the task. Instead, you have to help others do better and improve themselves. Over the 6 seasons of softball I have met dozens of girls. I have had my favorites. I especially enjoy the ones who truly love playing the sport and whose parents have raised them to be coach-able. They listen. They try hard. They bring a positive attitude to the practices and games. They cheer on their team mates.

I've read reminders to parents on facebook and such that your child's performance on the field isn't a reflection of you as a person, but whether your child is coach-able, has a positive attitude, encourages their team mates and tries their best most of the time, this is a reflection of your parenting, your family values and who you really are. I believe this to be so true.

I will do my best to teach these things to my kids. This experience has helped me with parenting, I hope.

Ellie says she will not play again in the fall. I'm sad to see this journey coming to an end. I truly do love being on the softball field, being outside in the fresh air. I love the sound of the ball hitting the sweat-spot of the bat and I love the grin on the face of a young player when they master a skill and show that in a game with an amazing catch or great hit. The smiles are worth it!

Ellie can play ball when she wants. She is an athlete with great hand eye coordination, speed, and capability. I hope that she continues to enjoy sports and a healthy life style that includes being active for her whole life. I hope that she has some positive memories of our time together on the softball field. I am grateful to have learned that stepping up to be a coach doesn't mean you are the best player, it just means you are willing to do your best and try to help the kids succeed. We all have something we can teach the kids. I believe it takes a village. I am truly thankful for the supportive parents along this journey that have made things work, as they step in for concession, umpiring, assistant coaching, car pool, organizing the bench and all other activities along the way.

This has been fun. I hope to get a chance to do it again sometime.

Mother's day

This mother days, I stayed in bed and the kids prepared a lovely breakfast in bed. Ellie took my order the night before and they prepared exactly what I asked for, plus a little chocolate bar treat on the side. They were so excited to celebrate a special day for me. They brought me breakfast and loads of presents and home made cards. They were adorable and sweet. I love these kids so much. They each took time to make something special. I love their home made cards, stories, and things about Mommy. Max even made me a container of "paper" recess peanut butter cups. Too cute!

The day was relaxing. I got to hang out at home with them, we played in the afternoon, and I made some dinner in the evening. I was treated quite well by everyone and truly enjoyed a beautiful day. Being a mom is awesome. Being the Mom to Max, Ellie and Clair is all I could ask for in my life.

There's a fine line between creativity and mess

I often can't determine the difference between mess versus childhood creativity. I would prefer a magazine perfect house all the time. But I have 3 kids, and a husband, and let's face it, myself that live here. So this isn't possible. I must accept something less. The struggle is real and daily, as to what's a mess and what's allowed as part of growing up for my kiddos.

Sunday night I usually walk around the main floor and try to ready it for the week. I try to have it someone cleaned up for when Sarah arrives on Monday mornings. Usually, there is something to clean up, but sometimes it's worse then others. As I stood in the living room aka playroom last night, I glared at this structure thinking what a mess.

Then, I remembered Max's tour he gave me earlier in the day. He was so proud of this fort. "This is a multi floor fort Mommy, it has a basement Look!" Clair has a bedroom in the basement of the fort. Max has his own room on the main floor, and Ellie has her own room, separately as well. Max was so proud. He built this. He tried to urge his sisters to hangout and play with him in this latest and greatest masterpiece. He would give them anything to play in his space with him.

Max is physical. He is creative. This fort is his kind of thing!

Is it a mess or creativity? Last night I decided it was more creativity then mess, and I left it up for another day. Each incident is a struggle, sometimes the kids lose and I make them "Clean Up this Mess!" Last night, I was able to step back and enjoy it. I imagine in about 15 years, I'll be longing for the days of forts to clean up in the living room.

Two more babies

Last night I'm laying in bed with Clair as she's trying to go to sleep. She lays on top of me and asks, "Why is your tummy so big?"

I sort of laugh and tell her it's because I've eaten too many treats.

I think the angle she was going is that she hoped for me to say because another baby was coming. Her response was "when will you have another baby?"

I told her there were no more babies coming and that she is my baby. I said I did want to have another boy though. She said she wants a baby girl too. She says I can have "Two more babies." as she puts up her two fingers to show me exactly what she wants, as to avoid any confusion with her ask.

I do think it's super sweet she's willing to relinquish the role of baby in the family. I do wish I felt I could handle another baby without sacrificing the relationship I have with the ones I have already, but I don't feel that way. Plus, my body couldn't handle it.

So, Clair Bear, I hope that you and your siblings continue to love and appreciate each other as a group of three. It's a good number!

Christmas Preparations 2016

I'm feeling fairly organized this year. It's the 23rd and only a few presents left to wrap. Cookies didn't really get made this year, but that's okay. The kids have enjoyed several pre-Christmas festivities such as shopping, wrapping, exchanging gifts with friends, school fun, Santa, songs, decorating, gingerbread houses, etc.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. There will be no shopping. We will hang out. I will do some baking. We will go to church. Hopefully, in my little mind, David and I will sit down and share a glass of wine while we marvel at the children, their excitement, our family and how time flies.

Clair is three and a half this year. It's a wonderous age. She's excited and also not all sure what is going to happen, but very good at acting like she knows exactly what's up and what's happening next.

Max is six and sweet as ever. He really wants a gear bike for Christmas. I don't think he's ready. I hope he's happy with all the other things he's getting and that's not much an excitement. I'm a little worried about that.

Ellie is nine and didn't have a large list when the season started, but it has grown. I think she will be pleased on Christmas morning. Ellie made two very thoughtful and detailed home made presents for each of us in the family this year. She has been working on them for months. It's no doubt that more time went into her presents then the ones I bought. Tonight we each had a chance to open one of her gifts. THey will spectacular. Clair got a playground to go with her dollhouse. Max got a bunch of paper airplanes and a menu of options for more whenever he wants, I got a hand and foot print art work that included each child. David got a King Daddy crown. We both got an updated Ellie snowman. She is amazing and really great with her art.

We all try to remember this is about Jesus Birthday and to celebrate for him, but sometimes, that truly gets lost in all the hustle and bustle and excitement of the gifts. I need to work on that. Each year I say less gifts and it doesn't happen.

This year they are getting a nice big playground in the backyard of the new house. Its currently under construction.

I'm looking forward to seeing their faces and hoping I can take some time to enjoy it and live in the moment. Eternally hopeful ...

Attempting to be a Pinterest mom ... Lol

So I let Clair and am dig in a big tub of rice the other day. I heard about this once and decided to give it a try. It's not really my thing to allow messes, but for some reason rice doesn't bother me. It's not sticky; it's not dirty; and easily vacuumed up! 

Clair thought this was awesome! So did Max and eventually even Ellie enjoyed it tonight!

Tomorrow my baby turns one

Clair is my baby, my last, my little Katie. She turns one tomorrow. I will no longer have an infant, but a growing baby who's closer to a toddler then anything else. She's a busy girl. She loves to laugh. She loves to climb. She loves her brother and sister. She loves the cats. She loves to be on the go and exploring. She is a little bit like her mother in the level of determination she posses for her own will. It's going to be a fun ride!

I love all my children. Tonight I prayed for God to help me learn to love them fully and fiercely, more each and every day. Loving a little cuddly baby who obeys and needs you is easy. Loving an independent minded child who wants to fight with you and argue about everything is harder during the day to day, maybe not harder to truly love, but sometimes harder to show that love in a positive way each and every moment of the day.

As Clair turns into a child, I pray that I can embark on the challenge of letting my children lead me and still knowing how to be the mother they need. I want to be a good example for them all in every way that they need.

Here's to many more birthdays and adventures beyond bottles, diapers, naps and cuddles! (Well, I hope I don't have to completely give up the cuddles.)

End of mommy milk

I've continued pumping until today. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't produced large amounts either. On top of that, Clair doesn't even like mommy milk as much as formula (thanks to the extra sugars). 

This morning I fed her the last bottle of mommy milk. It was mostly my milk and it was evident she could tell. She laid there and slowly drank the milk. She didn't gulp it down, but at least she didn't fight me. She just played and slowly took it down. There were smiles. She was pleasant. She is a big girl. She lays in my arms and arches her head back, looking around and admiring what her siblings are up to. She's a cutie!

I'm sad I couldn't make that her full source, but now that I'm only getting 3 ounces a day, I think I'm done. If I make it to bed I. The next hour, this will be the end of this phase in my life, and Clair's. I tried, the balance of time just isn't there. So I will retire the pump and try to be proud of making it to 6 1/2 months. I wish she would've nursed, but more importantly, she is happy, she loves her momma so clearly, she is healthy and strong! I love my baby girl!

If I could bottle a memory to replay over and over again, especially when I'm older and life slows down...

It would have to be the still and peaceful feeling of rocking Clair after she has finished her bottle and she is zonked out on my shoulder. Her little body is nestled totally into mine, as they meld together like a perfect picture. I listen to her steady breath as she snuggles close to my ear. I rest my check on her warm little soft cheek and I just take a deep breath! It is amazing. It is the best part of life. It is the ability to comfort my child and make her completely happy. It is a feeling and a blessing we have for such a short time in our lives. I pray to always remember this feeling, this experience, this love and this contentment. My daughter’s smell after a bath and a bottle – a mix of clean and fed – a little soar, just slightly from the milk still on her lips or cheek – but wonderful.

I need to spend more time just being with my children. They are such wonderful gifts from God!

I love you Ellie, Max and Clair.

Max gets Stomach Bug

The past 24 hours have been rough. Max started throwing up last night and hasn't felt well all day. Poor little guy was so taken back by the whole thing , as a kid is when they do this for the first time.

This morning when I was sitting with him rubbing his back he looks at me and so carefully says, "I need to go to the doctors Mommy." Poor little guy. I tried to explain to him that this happens sometimes and it's not something the doctors can help with; we just have to get through it. I think he was puzzled because we go to the doctors for everything.

As the day has progressed, I am hoping he has kicked it. I hope he sleeps well and wakes up fully recovered. I also hope that no one else catches this - selfishly, especially me. I can't imagine the stomach bug at 37 weeks pregnant where it hurts to cough, laugh and sneeze. I did a lot of lysoling today. Thankfully David stayed home to take care of Max too. He's also done all the sick laundry and trying to help protect us. Keeping prayers and fingers crossed!

The joy of pregnacy

It has to be feeling the baby move inside me. Honestly, I'm not one of those moms who likes being pregnant. I'm generally miserable. But when I get to feel the little one move around inside me, I smile as its put little experience, almost out little secret and definitely our moment.

I'm sad to think this is likely my last time nap much I dread of pregnancy
and delivery, but so much of the experience is a dream. I need to remember that. Although I don't say it enough, I wanted to write it down so maybe one day the kids will know. They are so worth it!