Birthday preparations

Tomorrow Ellie turns 12. I think about what we were doing 12 years ago and the expectations I had, some I’ve held true and some are very different.

One of the things that turned out different than I ever envisioned it would is the expectations of my children have for what happened tonight before their birthday. Apparently I spoiled them so much when they were children at a young age that now they expect birthday tree, a special birthday breakfast, two cakes – one for the birthday and one for their party with friends, too many presents, birthday banners to be hanging, and there was even a mention of expecting balloons in the morning. David says it’s time to start disappointing them. Of course he’s sort of joking, and sort of not. I enjoy spoiling my kids, but I wish they didn’t expect the same exacts spoils for each birthday. 

That said, kick number one is made, birthday banners I’ve been home, the birthday tree has been pulled out of the closet and decorated, presents are wrapped and under the tree, cards are downstairs, a birthday menu it suits the birthday girl is prepared, and there’s probably more things I want in it trying to squeeze it in tomorrow.

 I’m so grateful to be able to give the kids are with they have. I hope you’re finding a balance and not giving them too much but they truly are spoiled. I do think we are good kids. I also think it’s important for children to not get everything they want, otherwise, it’s the encouragement to work harder. 

Artwork from Ellie

 In another episode of I can’t keep everything forever, below is a picture that Ellie drew me for a Christmas present of the Arch Angel Michael.  You’re very detailed drawing of a beautiful angel. It’s been up in my office for a few years. Some stuff up off the floor. I love my children and all their artwork. I love to be able to preserve it in our blog. 

An overnight business trip

Yesterday morning after dropping the kids at school, I left for a conference. They knew I was staying the night and would be back tonight. Everybody’s pretty used to these trips at this point. A one night away is no big deal. Clair even except it, though she makes it clear she misses me. I was happy to find a whole bunch of “mail“ by the side of my bed this evening. She was thinking of me!

I do know they all miss me and prefer if I am home. But these little trips continue to be enjoyable for me from a work perspective and a reminder of how I did love work when I was traveling all the time.

I’m blessed to have a good balance right now.

Middle School already, it can’t be

One of the best things I’ve heard is that the days can sometimes be long but the years go by so fast. I think it’s very true. The years since Ellie was born have been a blur. I remember having a hard time with her starting kindergarten. I can remember that like it was yesterday. Tonight I’d be grudgingly went to a middle school orientation. I can’t believe in six months her girl starts middle school. I am not ready for the teen years. 

I always dreaded the teen years of parenting, probably because I don’t think my teen years were great. I pray for Ellie to have a better experience. I pray for wisdom in my parenting.I pray for patience. And I recently told David we needed a wine cellar as a back up plan. Well actually, that’s been my dream for years really. And now seems as good a time as any to make that dream come true. 

Ellie says she’s just a little bit nervous and excited for middle school. I look forward to watching my girl shine like the star she is!

Preserving art is such a challenge

This is Clair’s Christmas poster project for kindergarten. I’m proud of her work. 

When she proudly brought this home we tried hanging it from her door. It keeps falling down. I don’t want to throw it out and have no where to put it. So with my gift, here’s my attempt at preservation. 

I love all the millions of pieces of artwork that they produce. And preserving them always impossible or I will be in an episode of hoarders!

Truth

I just saw this on Facebook and it brought tears to my eyes as I read it. Ellie’s starting to really show signs of the teenage years and teenage attitude. My girl who once worshiped and always obeyed now is growing her independence and it’s hard already. 

One day I hope she can see this is true. 

I know my mom struggles with me and my determined self. It’s my turn. 

I love my kiddos and pray for a strong relationship as a family and with God to get us through the years. 

Drill sergeant mom

These children make me sound like a drill sergeant at dinner. “Use your fork, I’m sorry you don’t like it but you need to eat it anyway, no fingers, sit up, sit on your bottom, keep the food off the floor, times almost up, stop biting your cup.....”

Some nights are really worse then others. 

Consequences

Children hate to be giving consequences for their bad behavior. My children hate to be giving consequences for bad behavior. Parents half to give consequences when children don’t follow rules don’t respect their authority. I firmly believe parents hate giving consequences because it is just as hard on the parents as it is on the kid to come up with the fitting punishment and actually hold your child accountable for making bad choices and not following rules.

Tonight, we had one of these nights in her house. The children had rough days. We got back from all the events of the day and the children were outside playing with one another and I kept screaming at each other. They were mad at each other. They were frustrated each other. They were unforgiving of each other. The straw that broke the camels back came when I was sitting around the corner listening to them talk about pushing each other down the stairs and breaking legs. At that point in time I decided it was bedtime. I told them they had 15 minutes to finish their dinner and then they would get baths and go to bed. The tears and drama that ensued were epic. But, I believe it was important for them to realize that they had gone to far and their behavior and treatment of one another.

Parenting today is such a mix of guilt and expectations. I imagine it’s always been like this. I do feel like I have more guilt than my parents did disciplining my children, making them do chores, holding them accountable to cleaning up the rooms, holding them accountable to being responsible as a whole. I will leave that much of today society is really wanting their children be in charge. When you’ve been at work all day it’s hard to come home and hold your children accountable. When you hold your children accountable to say things like I hate you or you hate me or my life is horrible. Imagine those horrible things your children can say to you to make you feel like a bad parent who doesn’t love them, and this is what they say in this moment.

I appreciate it a quick conversation with my mom on text to reminded me that sometimes parents need to make these choices. I know she’s right. And I needed the reinforcement. Thanks Mom!

Ellie, Max, and Clair, I hope one day you will read this and know that you are my world. You have been my world since the day you were born. On days like today when I am frustrated this is simply because I am overwhelmed at the feeling of not providing for you the perfect world I want to provide for you. I hope that when it’s all said and done, you can remember more good, loving, wonderful experiences as a post to bad ones.

Keeping the treasures aka trash from piling up

Oh the treasures ....

I love the creative side of childhood, or I know that I should love it and encouraging it. Art work, box creations, rocks, feathers, nature, school work, towers, lego creations, forts, nests, etc.  But oh the trash ....

We have a very large house, yet at times I feel like the walls of these large rooms are closing in on me as I see the treasures that have been built by the kiddos are piling up because they are “special.”

These creations are special and if I keep them all I will be on a next episode of Hoarders. My office walls are full of writing and art work; as are the bedroom doors, bathroom doors, hallway doors and more. The dining room is another toy treasure room. The bedrooms are large and full. So I sneak things into the trash and recycle after I see them discarded or untouched for a while. I feel both guilty and relieved when I do this. But it’s my job at Mom. One day they will understand. 

Here’s the treasure I dismantled this morning. 

Here’s my office door and a pile of treasures waiting to find some place to live. 

Restful weekend

Ever since being gone in December I feel like I’ve spent more time at home playing games and relaxing with the kids. That trip was good for me in many ways. 

Today after the morning church and grocery run I’ve managed to read stories, rest on the couch, make dough ornaments with the kids for our valentines tree (stay tuned for those pictures) play games, exercise, and I’m about to make a healthy dinner. This is success! 

The weekdays are crazy. Finding the balance of should we go more places or rest is always challenging. Softball will start soon. So for now, more rest wins. 

I’m constantly learning and trying to figure out how to Love life. I hope the kids find the right balance for each of them, David too. 

Confession: I enjoy coaching softball

A couple years ago Katie convinced me to sign Ellie up to play softball with Erika. Shortly after, she was convinced to coach and I agreed to help. I was clueless but was game. It took 2 years before I felt confident enough to enjoy it. Finally, this year, I did. Four seasons later it was fun for me and I think Ellie too!

She's turned into a little first basement enough to even make the allstar team. Not only is it fun to see Ellie grow, but I'm amazed at how fun it is to watch the other girls grow over these two years as well. What amazing thing it is to see other kids grow and maybe have had some influence on it. It's awesome when they are proud of themselves. 

This year's All-Star game was very intense. Our girl started off ahead, then we fell behind, and then we came back and had an awesome six inning and one! My blood is pumping so heavily during this game. It was so excited watching the girls. We were not the top-seeded team, but we will talk seeded team together. 

My kids, my world

My life would feel empty without my kids. They are my hearts desire since I can remember. They are my sole. Then there is work, and life, and the need to have a clean house, and other responsibilities. These things feel like they take up most of my actual time and leave my kids wanting my time. I don't know how to resolve this daily struggle and self disappointment. I am a harsh judge of myself. 

Max has said more then once recently that he was going to "cancel mommies work and tell them I can't come." I adore the innocence in this statement. I am guilty of wanted too much stuff to make that happen for the kids. 

My prayer is that my kids look back on their childhood knowing I tried my best and made hard choices thoughtfully. I hope we have given them decent role models as a basis for their life. And most of all I hope they always live knowing they are my heart. 

Here's a picture post Sunday school of the troop with their Holy Spirit fire crowns. May the Holy Spirit guide me daily. I actually helped out in Ellies class a bit Sunday. She was a perfect student. 

Love you kiddos!

Reflections of an aging Momma

Tomorrow my youngest baby, Clair Vonita, turned three years old. This is just another reminder of how fast life is flying by. It seems like just yesterday David and I were in New York, single and free, with a very simple life. The past decade has been full of fantastic changes. I have truly wanted my children my entire life, I do not remember a time where I was not thinking about the family I would have one day. 

What I didn't know was how hard it would be to have a family. What I didn't understand is how hard it is to work and try to do the right things for little people you're responsible for. What I knew was that I enjoyed taking care of children and playing with them. I love playing with my kids. Unfortunately, with this busy life that I lead, work, trying to make all the right decisions, cleaning, eating, exercise, attempt at other things, I truly don't play with my kids.

I do hope they grow up, Mary will take the good things from their childhood marry them with change and the good thing they see their family in their life. David and I are doing this one way, there are many ways to do this. I was speaking to a colleague today who thought it would be a good thing to teach her son that he shouldn't marry a boy that wants to stay home and raise a family only. I have to admit I don't feel the same way. If anyone of my children choose I would admire them for it. Being with your kids, truly having the patience to teach them and raise them, is the hardest, most rewarding, most time-consuming, most filling part of life. I honestly believe this.  

Claire, thank you for being my little girl. Thank you for your smile, thank you for the challenges, thank you for your energy and your curiosity, thank you for your love letters and love of learning, and thanks for keeping me on my toes darling! I pray that I will get enjoy my children for many decades to come. And I know, during that time, Clare will continue to keep me on my toes and keep me in line. 

Tomorrow my baby turns three, Max is almost 6, and Ellie is eight and a half. I am so proud of each one of my children. I pray God enables me to help them become the people he wants for them, and me who he wants for me to be.

And on the more commercial side of things, I can't wait to watch my baby girl's eyes as she enjoys the Prezzys we have waiting for her in the family room for the morning!

Rules and self assurance

Today I struggle with the values I teach the kids - to follow the rules yet stand up for yourself and others. 

There have been a couple times this year where Max and Ellie have had someone physically bothering them - touching them inappropriately or hitting them - and they have been too worried about getting in trouble to get the attention of the adult in charge to make it stop. This makes me feel sad and wonder if I've taught the kids to comply by too much, worrying too much about getting in trouble. For example Ellie didn't want to say anything because you aren't supposed to talk in the hallways and it would happen when walking in a line. 

We want them to stand up for themselves. We want them to be respectful. Teaching how to strike this balance is so hard yet so important for human beings. 

I pray for guidance and wisdom to help the kids through learning this. 

Today's approach was to seek help from the guidance counselor. David says if that doesn't work, well tell them to defend themselves. 

By Gods grace let's hope we get this right. I struggle daily with this still as an adult. Difficult conversation are just that, difficult. 

A Mommy Day

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is the one extra holiday I get off each year and get to spend it with me and the kids. Today was a really good day for me and the kids. I tried to let them lead. We did a lot of things that they wanted to do.

We had a bit of a treat for breakfast and then it was requested by max that we get the drum set up. We inherited some drums and he thinks this is the best thing ever. Today, after two hours, I got the drum set set up. I think you told me three or four times it was the best day of his life!

The girls were also pretty interested in the drums, and they all helped a little bit as well. After lunch he also helped me take down the Christmas tree. Each of them was helpful. It is amazing to me how much clearer really wants to help and do big things when she is just 2 1/2. The little scary the number times I find myself saying to her because you're two.  David and I talk tonight about needing to find some chores that we call hers. She really wants to be a big girl too. 

During nap we played a game for a while. Then, they got out dolphin tale. I spent a good 2 Hours helping Ellie with a craft project she got for her birthday- a tie quilt.  I even skipped my exercises. 

For snack we made our pop-pop with butter, salt, and Parmesan, and this is always a special for us. Everyone enjoys it!

The other thing we did was make the fixings for a dessert that Ellie picked out of her hairy Potter cookbook. This was very exciting to both her and Max. We proceeded to enjoy this dessert after a dinner of tacos. Mostly, everyone had a good day. There were a few moments of fighting over the new drums. And always a few moments disagree with mommy's rooms and Waze. But overall they were friendly, kind, helpful, loving, and just all around great to spend a day with. I wish we could have one mommy day a week without having to have anything to accomplish. I need to work on making more of these in my life!

Dinner Drama

Family dinners are supposed to be one of the pillars of a good childhood. For Ellie, i'm not sure she'd agree. 

Ellie is 8. She has always been a slow picky eater. I see Max and Clair coming around with their eating habits, but poor Ellie Bean is holding strong in being slow, picky and drama ridden when it comes to eating her dinner. If it's not spaghetti or pizza, we have a problem. 

Last night she was struggling once again and I took this photo. One day I hope to look back on this and laugh at the long painful dinners that ended with timers and lost desserts. One day I hope that this challenge has resulted in Elli becoming the healthy eater that puts her in the right path in life. One day, I hope to look back and safe I was right to keep fighting this fight with often ends in tears, frustrations, and Ellie saying things like "I feel like you don't love me or care about me." 

I love her so much and I will fight for her health. I will not give in to the junk food diets that prevail at dinners around America today. I will stay strong. 

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. 

They love each other

I was able to take a whole week off and be home with the kids for Christmas break. I am so thankful for this time with the kids. Some of the time David is home with us, and sometimes he is working. But for a good two weeks. I get to be the primary caregiver, the one that plays with them and cares for them. One that gets frustrated and the one that laughs with them. I'm so grateful for this!

Christmas is great! I am blessed by being able to spoil the children. But the best thing about this time this week has been seeing truly how much they really like each other and love each other. Yes, they fight. I think all siblings fight, Or I choose to believe that. But I also see them able to be each other's best friends.

They play together pretty nicely. Of course Ellie likes to be in charge as she is the oldest and take several serious. But with that, she shows how she truly loves her siblings. She's always willing to help them and look out for them and teach them. She is even willing to let Max make rules now and again and some of their make-believe games. I found these lovely note from her to Max telling him how happy she is that he is her brother. It melts my heart!

Today Max and I were sitting on the couch watching Ellie do her magic show. They were laughing and giggling with each other and something or said along the lines of oil she loves you Max. And he looked at me with the most perfect happy innocent and honest eyes and says "I know she does mommy." It's even better that she loves him so much that he is that confident and happy in that love that they share as brother and sister. 

As for Clair, they both love and adore her. Ellie is always willing to jump up and help clear. When she falls, Ellie is usually the first one by her side. If it's not Ellie, there's a good chance it's Max. Clair is also learning to go potty right now, and Ellie has spent large amount of time in the bathroom with her supporting her teaching her, keeping her company, reading to her. If Clair is sad, her siblings are often the one she wants to comfort her. 

Through the daily ups and downs and busyness of life it is truly hard to know if you're doing things right with your kids. When I am able to step back and see how much they care for each other, it's a sign that I feel like we are doing some things right. This is the best Christmas gift of all!!!

Brimming with Pride after conferences

Today I had conferences for Ellie's second grade class at Maxs kindergarten class.

I have been reflecting on these very pleasant conversations with both the teachers all evening. I honestly couldn't be prouder of either of them. They have both achieved different things in their school year. The most fantastic thing is seeing that my kids are the kind of kids that make their teachers happy to be teachers.

Ellie is sailing through school and her academics are fantastic. Her behavior is exemplary. Her teachers love having her as a student and say she is just the perfect role model. I am so proud of how much she loves school and how great she is at accomplishing academics. I have had thought that her grandpa Bob would be very proud of her too for this report. 

I have to admit that I have been a bit worried about how Max is doing in school. But the half hour I spent with his teacher was also amazing. She was on and on about how great maxes at learning and growing from what she teaches him. He is a hard worker, he concentrates, he enjoys learning. I am so proud of him. Socially, although Max can enjoy joking around a bit much with some of the kids in the class, he proves that he listens and learns when the teacher corrects him. He tries and usually succeeds and making improve choices when reminded to do so. This isn't normal at his age, and his teacher says only a few of the kids are able to self correct this way after being talk to. I think, considering how much my Max loves to joke around and laugh, I honestly couldn't ask for anything more out of him at five. I am proud of how hard he is trying, and how much he is learning, and how much he is growing in 

kindergarten. I truly am amazed and proud. 

During the conferences with each teacher there were times when I had tears in my eyes, tears of joy, tears of pride, tears of feeling emotions that I'm not very good at feeling.

Sitting at work having a nice lunch whilst kids are enjoying a day off school.

To my darling kiddos, I would rather be home enjoying a day off with you. Each of you is truly amazing and so much fun for me, each in your own way. I love the moments we steel together when I'm not working or doing chores. I wish there were so many more. Mommy must work. Why, well, our family enjoys the lifestyle that requires two incomes. I'm also pretty good at what I do, but that's not what keeps me here, it's just a little comfort in knowing that hopefully i and contributing to the world in a way God approves of, using my talents to help my colleagues find medicines that will help sick people. I digress though. My point is that you are my everythings!!!

I saw this today and it's so very true. I love you guys and take comfort in you enjoying a day with Grannie. 

Love always, Mom

Ps. I have tears now. :)

Rest in peace Charlie Kitty

Today we had to bury Charlie. David and I got him over ten years ago when we settled into maryland together. Within a week of having the house we filled it with our cat family. They have always been the odd couple - Lady Grey and Charlie Bucket as I often called him. 

After a few years of being inside and fighting to get out, and fighting with Lady Grey, we finally let Charlie fulfill his destiny to be an outside cat. It changed him and he was happy. Don't get me wrong, Charlie would've preferred to have been both inside and outside cat. But we limited his inside time to the winter nights. 

Charlie is such a lover for kitty cat. He loved getting attention from people. He love to be pet, loved to be rubbed, he loved to rub up against people. 

Charlie was really smart. He understood us in ways not typical of cats. David had convinced us that he was the cat in the master and the margarita, or something like that.

Today Charlie met his match. I always thought that would be a fighting beast or possibly a car on the road. But he had lived safely in this neighborhood for seven years. Today, the garage door crushed him. It is so very sad. When David told us both Ellie and I broke out into tears. We've been in between sobs most of the night.

The best part of the night was looking at the pictures I've taken of him over the years, and sharing the memories that they brought back.

Answering the kids questions wasn't easy. I know this kind of thing is a hard experience to go through at any point in life, but especially as a child.

My mom was here visiting and we found out. I'm grateful for the way that she helped take care of the kids and the situation.

Today I watched my husband dig your grave for the pet we've shared since we started our life together. But this pet was special because he was davit buddy. Today I watched my seven-year-old lady flowers on top of our  pets grave. We said a prayer for Charlie before covering him in his grave. Clair throw him a kiss. It definitely wasn't an easy day. I do know these ups and downs are part of family life. And even after a day like today I can say that I am grateful and eternally thankful for family life.